Have you already felt like finding peace within yourself was….so…damned…hard? I feel that everyday. Everyday I wake up and feel like I’m not living enough in the present, I’m too much lost in my thoughts all the time. Thinking about what I should have done in the past, what I could actually be doing now better than what I’m actually doing or thinking, or even dreaming about this amazing life that I want in the future. This is a never ending story where all comes back to one thing: I’m not good enough.
We’ve been talking a lot about this ‘I’m not good enough’ part during the Yoga Teacher Training and I thought I was done with it but from time to time, I find it around trying to sneak in into my best thoughts. The positive side of me is always held back because I think what I do and am is not good enough.
Shit….how can I go out of this vicious circle? I want to be and feel like the best version of myself and be able to forgive myself for not knowing what I exactly want out of life, which job or jobs I should do, what is my mission on this Earth, how can I be of service for people and also tiny little things from daily life like: not answering quickly enough (for me!) to social media messages, take so much time for every decisions, not taking care as much as I would want to of my body and also my friends and relatives…I try to remind myself of what my sis is often telling me: ‘no worries, it will all fold into place. If you try that and don’t succeed, there is no problem, try something else!’. Wow, why didn’t I think about it before?! It is actually as simple as that! (thanks sis by the way for your unconditional support Xx)
And actually right now, I have no reason to stress out. I am currently writing this article, lying in a hammock, looking over the ocean and the luxurious vegetation around me, the wind is calm, the temperature is warm and not to humid. I am on holidays, with my best friend, doing amazing things every day like hiking in the jungle, watching the sunsets and sunrises almost everyday, getting to see amazing wildlife in its natural habitat, meeting new people, playing cards with strangers, enjoying life altogether, eating amazing fruits and food made with love and I still think that I am not entirely whole here, I’m not enjoying ENOUGH.
How weird is that?
I figured last night that my thoughts and worries were orientated towards my dad who keeps asking me about my professional career each time I got him over the phone. I’m on holidays in the middle of the jungle and he is seriously asking me that! Sometimes I wish phones had never existed and I could jut completely cut off all connections from the outside world. And here I am, in this amazing hostel completely lost in Corcovado National Park in Costa Rica, 2h30 away by boat from the next big city, with no connection, no wi-fi, no hot water, sometimes no electricity, thinking about what my career is going to be!
This makes no sense. Nothing is supposed to reach me like that. Is my dad wrong about asking me that all the time? Or is it my fault for holding onto that thought because it is triggering something unresolved in me? I believe there is no one to blame in this story. Not a long time ago, I would think that distance between us would be the solution of all my problems. And actually last year, it really was, but I realize that it is not working anymore and it can’t be a solution forever. Because actually if I am still far away having these toxic thoughts, it means that I am the one nourishing them! What an epiphany! I keep thinking that I just need to find something ‘to do’ in order that he lives me alone and so do I. But when reading that, I think it is not a good solution either. First, I need to get rid of the need to be approved by anyone. This has actually already been better since Australia, but my dad needs to be next on the equation. Second, forgiveness. Forgiveness for him who just want to be the best dad for me and me who just want to be the best daughter for him. Third, repeat to myself, every single minute, every single second that it is ok just to BE in the present moment.
When I see all this wildlife around me since I’m in Costa Rica, I’m thinking: ‘Wow, what a cool life this bird must have! No pressure, just eating nectar all day long, living accordingly with Mama Nature and the elements. Damn, that sounds like a cool little life there. And then, I start to envy that life that I think no human can have. But actually I can have it. I can just be myself, free of all obligations. Putting pressure away by just living in the present moment. Because the pressure I am feeling is actually the one I am putting over myself! And of course, things will come up in life (like always) and I’m sure that baby bird life isn’t always easy either (another bird took its flower, mama bird prefers the sister or a big cat is trying to eat it and it is stressing the hell out of it) but we still all got our intuition or instincts that tells us: ‘Try that’ or ‘Don’t try that’ to guide us along the way.
There are no wrong or good paths anyway so why worrying over about things who did not happen anyway? Just be and go with the flow of what the Universe has prepared for you in the future. Everything happening will still be ‘life’ anyway so let’s stop worrying about it and think we can control it. All we can do is control our thoughts to be as positive as possible.
Mantra for struggling with peace: I release control and surrender to the flow of life.
Have you also felt that way too? Putting too much pressure over yourself and feeling life you would never get out of it? Taking personally what a relative is saying and let the words hurt you? What were your tips to change your thoughts or what are the things you are trying right now to deal with that?