Recovering from a trauma

Hey everyone! If you’ve been following me on Insta lately, you’ll maybe have see that I got into a bike accident during my last holidays in Annecy. While cycling in the mountains, I crashed on a road when going down, I apparently made a circle above my rental bike. All I remembered was hitting my head on the concrete floor and crashing completely on my right side. I was alone in the middle of the road, where they were a lot of traffic, cars behind me had no chance to see me from far away. I was followed by a lot of dangerous cars since the beginning but I wasn’t at that exact time, how lucky is that? Fortunately, someone on the other way around saw me and stopped the circulation. I have been very lucky, very very lucky. It was harsh physically but the psychological realization that came afterwards was even harsher and impacted my yogi journey a lot.

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Take nothing for granted

I used to say that a lot in one of my previous relationship because I didn’t want my ex-boyfriend to take me for granted, ever. I would always say: ‘you got to win over my heart again and again if you want to keep me around’. I felt like it was a responsibility for him to continue being at its best and not getting too lazy because showing up for ourselves is as good for us as for our relationship. Showing up at our best is for me something really important to also lift each other up. And I’ve put the same responsibility/pressure over my head too.

All this long metaphor to say: don’t take life for granted. This life can end in a million ways that we’ve never thought of and that’s why it’s our responsibility to enjoy every second of it. There are times when you can get sad and lazy and damn I know what I’m talking about here, but it’s our duty to show up and enjoy, lift us from the ground to enjoy this amazing life/opportunity we’ve been given to live and be.

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Rejection is redirection

About recovering from this trauma, I find that the hardest thing is actually the fact that people see only the physical pain when looking at you. Personally, the psychological pain has been more intense than the physical pain. I felt like the Universe just stopped me on the path I was taking. I’ve finally had this yoga teaching job on a regular basis and started this new job as an Educator in a yoga brand and finally my life just had started to unfold quite harmoniously around my desire to live around yoga and the desire of my family to start doing something of my life and staying in Paris when BAM! Everything stopped in a second. The next day, when sending mails to my employers, I realized that the day of the accident, I’ve received 2 new yoga job offers in Paris. The ones I’ve asked the Universe for during 7 months. What should I conclude when seeing that? And suddenly, I see this phrase: ‘Rejection is redirection’ multiple times during the next days and it got me thinking. I see this quote when opening my Instagram account after the accident. Then, the next days, I decide to make this off time ‘worth it’ by listening to every day a podcast and a Ted Talk. The first podcast that Spotify shows me is: ‘Even stuff that sucks is redirection’ episode from the Highest Self Podcast by Sahara Rose and the first Ted appearing on my Youtube page is called: ‘Do you see the signs of the Universe?’ by Ulla Suokko. I’m thinking: ‘I think that indeed the Universe is trying to tell me something!’. I listen to the podcast very carefully and feel connected to it. But I don’t click on the Ted link. But in the next days, I end up clicking on as it kept reappearing on my feed. What does all that tell me? Do I see the signs of the Universe? Hell yes, I even feel it in my bones that something’s got to change! But do I understand my next step? No, I’m lost.

 

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All of your fears coming up

These fears that I had locked in a special box and then called: ‘Uncertainty box’ exploded. The old fears came up as well as the non-answered questions that drove my mind crazy. The first question was: ‘If I’m not on the right path, what should I do?’, the second being: ‘How to deal with this fear of not living my best life?’ (a thought that reappeared after the accident happened) and the third one being: ‘How can I honour this life enough?’.

All to conclude: ‘Is my life good enough for this amazing opportunity that I have to be alive?’

3 days afterwards, my friend who was on holidays with me at the time and who came back to work send me this message that her ex-boss had a deadly accident the same week-end as me and that she couldn’t realize how lucky I had been.

People had lost a father, a husband, a son, a friend, an employer and me I was alive. Why? How I am worth it to be here? I feel like I didn’t accomplish much on this planet, in opposition to this guy. But maybe, I will in the future? Is that what it is meaning? Was my karma better too? And after all, is there a human being worth much being on this planet than another? No I don’t think so.

But you see where I am going here right? All your fears and insecurities and self-beliefs are coming up but there is something you can do about it.

 

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Just be

After what I’ve been through, one of my thought was also: ‘What the hell am I going to do during this time off?’. Lot of people around me ask if I am not getting bored but after 2 weeks home now, I can really tell that I just never get bored! I’m lucky now to just be. And it’s the first time I’ve ever got this thought. Normally, I’m always thinking that I just be doing something, you know? You got to get busy all the time or you see yourself and you think that people will look at yourself thinking you are lazy too.

You can finally embrace the fact to just be. Breathe, eat, sleep, enjoy (not rave xD), repeat. And it’s fabulous. I don’t have anything more to do that wait til I’m healing, being with nothing to prove to anyone. And I learn stuff!

I’m watching all these documentaries and movies on ‘My list’ on Netflix that I’ve put there 1 year ago, without feeling guilty! I get to read even more than usual. I can meditate 3 times a day and enjoy my balcony without feeling guilty of not being ‘productive’. Damn, life is great (except the fact that I’m taking one hour to write any little thing now including this with only one hand). But my question is after I’m healed, how am I going to ‘be again’ without the pressure and guilt feeling I’m putting myself over my head?

I guess I’ll need to find out my new recipe for the future and I will because I realize how important it is to not pressurize ourselves too much (high-achievers and perfectionists are you hearing me?).

 

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Own your voice

Don’t please people to make them happy. Don’t pretend you don’t need help. Since the emergencies, minute 1, I’ve had to be that girl who says I’m not ok and usually I hate to be that girl. I’m like the girl who never asks for help because she’s afraid of interrupting people in their own business. She’s not that important to bother people so much. And I was just raised to do things and deal with my problems by myself. But the thing is when you are in that kind of situation you got to be telling people what’s wrong so they can help you! You are important! When you still have pain in your body and nobody listens, you got to repeat that something’s wrong so people can help you. If you need to talk, you got to talk. If you need to scream because it’s hurting badly, you scream. If you need help also afterwards, just ask.

And when I asked my friends and family to come help me. They helped! I was afraid to bother them but that’s when I forgot that us humans are hardwired to help each other. It’s what make us feel good and needed! It’s essential for our happiness and also in ancient times survival.

Funny thing, one of my friend who came to help me talked to me about one of her favorite Ted Talk: ‘The Art of Asking‘ by Amanda Palmer. And I know that I was unto something. If I observed enough my life, I could listen to these little signs telling me that it was one of the lesson I should remember from this event.

 

 

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Prioritize and give yourself the permission to heal

Since recovering from the accident, I realize now more than ever why they say in planes: ‘Take care of yourself first before taking care of others’.

 

‘If you don’t prioritize your life, someone else will’ – Greg McKeon from ‘Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less’

 

Your healing is more important than anything else. If you are a people pleaser like me who wants to make everyone happy sometimes as its own expense, you got to stop. Here are some examples that I’ve seen during this time:

‘Cecilia, don’t forget to come to the exhibition, we’ve already bought the tickets! (pity eyes/thinking you should get out of the house more often)’

Answer: ‘Thanks for taking care of me but I’m not feeling well enough to cross all over the city pushed around by thousands of people in the subway. I’ll ask some of my friends if they want the ticket.’

‘Cecilia would you like to have some drinks with us in the city?’

Answer: Sorry, now is not the right time. I’m under meds and need to eat and drink even more healthier than ever in order to heal properly.

 

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All this to say, when you’re recovering from a trauma, own your voice and tell people if it’s not ok. The art of asking may be hard in a society/education that pushes us to be really individual but do it. Your voice deserves to be heard as much as anyone else and you are WORTH the help (took me a while to figure that out but I finally realized it).

And on the opposite side don’t be afraid to also say: NO to what is not good for you. No is not a dirty word that will make everyone mad at you. It’s a word saying: ‘I need to take care of myself first’. And it is FINE. Nobody will judge you and if they do, forget about them.

After all I think that this accident I had for example wasn’t that much as the sign of the Universe as a little push from it to make me listen to my Inner voice again and intuition more often. It is there and it knows what I want and what’s good for me. As I understood it, it was just a little ‘Slow down’ sign to make me realize of my own voice and truth. Fears are nothing in this world compare to the luck of just being alive and enjoy the little moments with yourself, friends and family. Everything will unfold the way it’s meant to be and there’s no need to stress about it because NOBODY has everything figured it out.

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